I haven't posted for a couple of days because things have been a little hectic, for the most part in a good way, I got the opportunity to put some work in this weekend and even though I won't actually get the check till next week the money was very good and it was easy work at an outdoor event, a hispanic heritage festival so it basically came down to getting paid to enjoy the weather and look at scantily clad beautiful latinas ;-)
More importantly though, it was an opportunity to see what the "normal" people do on beautiful sunny summer weekends. Of course I am referring to your everyday average non-addict citizens, whom I also occasionally refer to as civilians, earthlings, squares or just plain weirdos. Okay I know from experience that the odds are heavily in favor of there having been quite a few ' closet' addicts/alcoholics in attendance, there always are at any given event with a large attendance. In fact you'd probably be surprised at how many there were, if there were some easy way of distinguishing the actively using addict who hasn't quite slipped far enough down the slope to the point of obviousness just yet. But I digress.
The crux of the matter is that it was a valuable experience because I was given the chance to see and reinforce for myself what it is that I aspire to. I watched mothers and fathers and grandparents and friends spending time with each other and enjoying one anothers company. I saw business people and entrepreneurs engaging in commerce, money being made and connections being forged. I saw beautiful, smart, proud Latinos/as shattering stereotypes and cultural stigmata that have defined us in the minds of too many for too long.
In short, I saw life in action... something that for a long time I did everything in my power to avoid and then complained that I felt ' left out'. And although it felt great to see and even participate in something like this, I couldn't help but get a little down on myself realizing how much of life and how many events like this I cheated myself out of over so many years of chasing the the ghost. I try my best as a matter of protecting my recovery not to get too wrapped up in thoughts like that, as important as it is to acknowledge my responsibility for my circumstances, it is equally important to maintain a certain level of perspective and not let myself get caught up in self pity or feelings of worthlesness. That's an almost guaranteed first step on the road to relapse... As some AA old-timers are quick to jibe:
"Poor me, poor me.. pour me a drink." ;-)
I have been having a bit of trouble lately with something that's got me a bit uncomfortable with myself but I can't seem to get a grip on it.. Or maybe its more truthful to say that I really don't want to get a grip on it.
What I'm getting at is the habit I've gotten into lately of totally spazzing out on homeless people, especially men who constantly approach me on the street trying to panhandle off me. The thing about it that gets to me the most is that Philadelphia is one city where you'll never actually starve to death if you don't mind standing in line. Some days are better than others and there have been plenty of times when I've laid my head down at night with my stomach still growling, but there are churches, shelters and outreach places that feed people every day of the year in this city. (Note: There is, oddly enough a disparity in the amount of places that only serve men, but its still not enough that women are likely to starve either.)
Superficially I hate that these guys are the ones who make it bad for everyone on the street. The city is cracking down more and more every day to the point that I have to be careful if I want to go sit on a bench in the air conditioning at Suburban Station for fear of getting a loitering citation, (and believe me Philly cops don't need any special invitation to act like overgrown schoolyard bullies, but that's a subject for another blog, which is definitely coming soon) and its all because the people of this city have gotten tired of having people actually walk up and lean over their food at McDonalds, (I've had this happen to me!) to ask for a dollar.
So on more than one recent occasion I have found myself literally losing it; cursing, name-calling etc... when I've been approached by a filthy, smelly bum with a hand out acting like I'm obligated to give him something. Or, even worse the ones who think they're some kind of slick with a bullshit line that always starts out with "Excuse me sir, I don't mean no disrespect, but..." and leads into how they're stranded/need medication/have to get a car out of a lot but lost their wallet/you get the idea. I know some people are sick, and some really don't know better but the truth is most are just trying to get their bag or bottle for the day and it pisses me off to no end because I bust my a$$ to not look or smell like a bum and to find work and make meetings and some days just to not give up and these guys probably expend more effort and energy than I do and I'd be shocked if any of them clear $20 on a good day.
So, given the fact that I'm writing this on my phone laying on my park bench, does all the preceding make me a hypocritical judgmental prick?
Maybe, but on Thursday I start the highest paying job I've ever had and I got it by keeping up my appearance as well as my hope and not by standing on a street corner asking if anyone can spare a job!
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