Tenacity...

I cannot quit. I just won't die. Sometimes I just wish I could find a nice, quiet, shady spot on the sidewalk and let life pass me by. Does anyone understand that?
I'm not saying that I'm suicidal because in reality I'm not, I love life and I want so much more out of it, it's just that sometimes it seems that every hurdle, every obstacle I overcome uncovers twenty more that are higher, deeper, harder than the last. And of course, the greatest obstacles are usually the ones within me. Lately, for instance, I have been dealing with so much anger towards everything and everyone around me. I know that no one is perfect and that definitely includes me, but sometimes it's like all I can see is peoples' flaws and I'm really struggling not to judge people because I know that I have a lot to be judged for but... I don't know how to even say this except honestly: sometimes I really hate just about everyone I come into contact with.
Being in recovery after somewhere around twenty years of active addiction, one of the first things I have had to realize and cope with is my deeply established separation from society at large and how, like so many other long term addicts I have lost many basic social skills.
Oh, I know how to carry on a simple conversation with someone, but for so long I only spoke to people when I was trying to con them out of money, or convince them that I was 'normal' or pass some other type of bullshit that I really don't know how to have a 'normal' conversation. What's worse and really getting to me is that I really don't know why I would want to have a conversation with anyone now. I feel something like loneliness a lot lately, and I get jealous when I see people sitting with friends at a sidewalk cafe, enjoying a pleasant summer evening and laughing and just being together... I know I'm missing out on something there, I just don't really know what it is and how to go about joining the club. I don't even know exactly what it is that I'm missing out on or why exactly it hurts me to see people like that and know that I'm not a part of that world. Does that even make any sense?
I guess it's probably just as simple and corny as me being afraid that if I do open myself up to friendship and put myself 'out there' for the world to see then I'm opening myself up to rejection and hurt but how do I get past that? And what is the reason for it?
Technically, human beings don't need social interaction for life. A healthy human being could conceivably live out their entire life without ever setting their eyes on another human if they had a steady source of food, water etc... So why do we seek one another out? Why do I feel lonely? Is there anything more to it than the survival instinct that tells us that there is safety in numbers? Am I whining?
Last week I went through one of the most difficult and painful times I have experienced in recent memory, bar none... I posted something on facebook along the lines of: 'I'm in more emotional and spiritual pain than I've ever known and I wish I wouldn't wake up tomorrow.' , and out of all the people who know me and claim to care, all the people who have my info and claimed to be so excited when I reappeared on-line and reached out to everyone to let them know I was still alive and trying to get back into the world, all I got were two one or two line facebook messages from two of my cousins that basically said 'That's too bad, don't give up'. I'm a grown man and it's no one's job to mollycoddle me or even to care about me, but if that's the extent of how much people care about me, if I don't even warrant a phone call, what's the point of making 'friends' again....
Sorry if this was a downer, but it's my blog and I can write whatever the hell I want.